My Negotiations With Kidnappers

Texting With Kidnappers...

Them: We have your daughter. We want 75k for her safe return.
Me: I don’t have that kind of money.
Them: If we don't get the money, we kill her in 2 days.

(Two days have passed)
Them: Do you have the money?
Me: No.
Them: Are you even looking for it?
ME: Not really.
Them: Why not? Don’t you want your daughter?
Me: Yes. But not just yet. We have a dinner to go to tonight. And we’d like to go see Inception tomorrow. Does Sunday work?
Them: No, Sunday does not work! We’re going to kill her! Also, she says she is allowed to eat ice cream every single night. Is this true?
Me: If she’s been good that day, yes, that’s fine.
Them: That seems excessive. Every night?
Me: Use your best judgment.

(Sunday night)
Them: Well?
Me: Great weekend. You?
Them: We want the money, asshole. Until then, we’re letting her stay up past midnight and eat all the chocolate she wants.
Me: That’s not smart. She starts school tomorrow.
Them: Shit. We didn’t know that.
Me: That’s ok. You’re new to this.
Them: We have something in the am. Can you take her? We can pick her up if so.
Me: That’s fine.

(3 days pass by)
Them: School is great. She loves her teacher. Also, she wants to know if you are feeding her fish.
Me: Great! Yes, the fish is being fed.
Them: Look, if you cant come up with the money we’re going to have to work something else out.
Me: You’re doing fine. It gets easier.
Them: What gets easier? We don’t want a kid, we want our money! We’re not keeping this kid!

(2 hours pass by)
Me: Do you have a lawn?
Them: Yes
Me: I’ll mow your lawn if you keep her.
Them: What? No! Also, does she ever stop talking? Come get her right fucking now or we kill her.
Me: It’s gonna cost you.
Them: What are you talking about?
Me: Money. I need money if I’m going to take her back.
Them: Now you want money from US? Are you out of your mind?

(One hour passes)
Them: OK. What are you thinking?
Me: Monthly deposits into a 529 plan for college.
Them: That’s ridiculous! How much per month?
Me: $500
Them: Fuck you! $325
Me: $415
Them: And you cut our lawn through end of the season?
Me: yes.
Them: Done.