Why cry?
Why sniffle why sob?
And why do it at all while eating corn on the cob?
I truly regret whatever made you upset but shall we move on now, forgive and forget?
Why cry?
Why bitch and why moan?
Why surrounded by people but feel all alone?
How would a boat fix all of this? We'll never know! And that's partly why we're remiss.
Why cry?
Why not tweet? Why not tell jokes?
Why not crack ourselves up over beers and some smokes?
A snicker a chortle a smile on the lips, replaces the worry with sno-cones and flips.
Why cry?
Why melancholy? Why blue?
Sub in laughter for sadness and we'll both find it true:
It's a respite, a break. It's us on the take. Stealing a moment. Just one, to escape.
Why Cry?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Holiday Family Letter
Well, it’s that time of year again. While everybody else returns to work, I set aside this day for taking down the family Christmas tree and slugging back enough bloody marys to give you the straight scoop on how things have been. This year sucked ass. Can I just say that? Well… I. Just. Did.
(Hold on. Sorry, I’m back: for a second there, I tasted tomato juice in this bitch. Whoo!)
You know, it’s not that we haven’t been trying this year. It just seemed at times like that precious Lord of ours picked the last 12 months for us to get our asses kicked. I know I’ve told most of you about Kenny, our garage apartment renter, and all the troubles he’s caused. Well thanks to Charlotte’s Finest, he and his store of cat tranquilizers are long gone. He did leave a piece of shit CRX in our yard. If you want it, it’s yours. Merry Christmas.
I’m still working at the SteinMart, whenever I can convince myself that it’s worth $6.35 an hour to spend a day with that cocksucker boss of mine Marty. Today is not one of those days. In fact, Marty had the balls to ask me why I needed this day off. I looked him straight in his one good eye and with the honesty I promised in my interview three years ago, I said “To recover, motherfucker.” Anyway, I’m sure Cindy and Keyla will do just fine on their own today in Households, provided Cindy can keep from crying about her recent rejection letter from Con-Way Trucking School. I feel for her, but my God. With three DUIs and an assault on a former employer, it is any mystery?
Nevermind them. They’re not family. Oh, excuse me, Marty! They’re “SteinMart Family.” Suuure. Not sure about you, but that’s who I’m going to call next time I’m in the pokey at 4am for impersonating a prostitute—SteinMart Family. Damn, I gotta get off SteinMart. I’m just so pissed at that asshole Marty I’ve got half a mind to pour one more pitcher of bloodys and walk the three miles with it down the highway just to tell him to kiss my ass.
My children, if we must discuss them, are two worthless pieces of shit. Y'all, I just crunched into the biggest piece of celery stalk and said that out loud. Good God, I’m getting my drunk on! OK, Kristina, little whore that she is, was almost pregnant more times this year than her newest adopted cat pissed on my head while I was sleeping. All close calls, but 37 pregnancy tests later she's in the clear. That girl buys pregnancy tests in bulk. Hell, I used one the other day to see if the turkey was done. Besides, I can’t see how she’d be fertile, after a lifetime of Snickers, Diet Cheerwine and giving head to future high-school dropouts. Regardless, let’s thank the heavens we’re spared having to dote on her for nine months. “Get me more cigarettes. Where’s my fuckin' Tequiza? Blah blah blah…” She does take me to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays and for that I’m thankful. Even though I know it’s because it coincides with her community service requirement down at the SPCA. Gotta give credit where it's due.
Charlene is my angel gone to shit. I’m not sure what that girl’s plan is. I tried all year to give her helpful hints about picking up a vocation or learning to work on something other than rolling joints, and I can’t seem to break through to her. I agree with her that if there was a job where you could roll joints, she’d be great at it, but that’s not a realistic plan, even with California and the whole cancer pot thing happening. The girl had so many talents growing up. I’m not sure where we went wrong, but somewhere along the way she decided she was gonna wait until prince fuckin charming came along and scooped her up. and until then, just rely on the social security checks and stolen identities of others. Well, time’s a tickin young thing. It surely is. I’m reminded of that as I chew on this ice and pour another—oh hell, I ran out of tomato juice back there talkin about Marty. We’re into pure Aristocrat now, friends. Love the burn, and I'll tell you cheap vodka is under-- Hey, I think that’s the trash truck I hear coming!
I gotta go. I can’t remember whether Tommy’s route runs by my house today but either way I’m going out there to show some titty to those boys in hopes they will bend the rules and haul this douglas fir out of my life along with the remains of 2010. Goodbye and good riddance to this year is what I say. And one more thing: fuck Obama.
Happy New Year Errybody,
Clarice
(Hold on. Sorry, I’m back: for a second there, I tasted tomato juice in this bitch. Whoo!)
You know, it’s not that we haven’t been trying this year. It just seemed at times like that precious Lord of ours picked the last 12 months for us to get our asses kicked. I know I’ve told most of you about Kenny, our garage apartment renter, and all the troubles he’s caused. Well thanks to Charlotte’s Finest, he and his store of cat tranquilizers are long gone. He did leave a piece of shit CRX in our yard. If you want it, it’s yours. Merry Christmas.
I’m still working at the SteinMart, whenever I can convince myself that it’s worth $6.35 an hour to spend a day with that cocksucker boss of mine Marty. Today is not one of those days. In fact, Marty had the balls to ask me why I needed this day off. I looked him straight in his one good eye and with the honesty I promised in my interview three years ago, I said “To recover, motherfucker.” Anyway, I’m sure Cindy and Keyla will do just fine on their own today in Households, provided Cindy can keep from crying about her recent rejection letter from Con-Way Trucking School. I feel for her, but my God. With three DUIs and an assault on a former employer, it is any mystery?
Nevermind them. They’re not family. Oh, excuse me, Marty! They’re “SteinMart Family.” Suuure. Not sure about you, but that’s who I’m going to call next time I’m in the pokey at 4am for impersonating a prostitute—SteinMart Family. Damn, I gotta get off SteinMart. I’m just so pissed at that asshole Marty I’ve got half a mind to pour one more pitcher of bloodys and walk the three miles with it down the highway just to tell him to kiss my ass.
My children, if we must discuss them, are two worthless pieces of shit. Y'all, I just crunched into the biggest piece of celery stalk and said that out loud. Good God, I’m getting my drunk on! OK, Kristina, little whore that she is, was almost pregnant more times this year than her newest adopted cat pissed on my head while I was sleeping. All close calls, but 37 pregnancy tests later she's in the clear. That girl buys pregnancy tests in bulk. Hell, I used one the other day to see if the turkey was done. Besides, I can’t see how she’d be fertile, after a lifetime of Snickers, Diet Cheerwine and giving head to future high-school dropouts. Regardless, let’s thank the heavens we’re spared having to dote on her for nine months. “Get me more cigarettes. Where’s my fuckin' Tequiza? Blah blah blah…” She does take me to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays and for that I’m thankful. Even though I know it’s because it coincides with her community service requirement down at the SPCA. Gotta give credit where it's due.
Charlene is my angel gone to shit. I’m not sure what that girl’s plan is. I tried all year to give her helpful hints about picking up a vocation or learning to work on something other than rolling joints, and I can’t seem to break through to her. I agree with her that if there was a job where you could roll joints, she’d be great at it, but that’s not a realistic plan, even with California and the whole cancer pot thing happening. The girl had so many talents growing up. I’m not sure where we went wrong, but somewhere along the way she decided she was gonna wait until prince fuckin charming came along and scooped her up. and until then, just rely on the social security checks and stolen identities of others. Well, time’s a tickin young thing. It surely is. I’m reminded of that as I chew on this ice and pour another—oh hell, I ran out of tomato juice back there talkin about Marty. We’re into pure Aristocrat now, friends. Love the burn, and I'll tell you cheap vodka is under-- Hey, I think that’s the trash truck I hear coming!
I gotta go. I can’t remember whether Tommy’s route runs by my house today but either way I’m going out there to show some titty to those boys in hopes they will bend the rules and haul this douglas fir out of my life along with the remains of 2010. Goodbye and good riddance to this year is what I say. And one more thing: fuck Obama.
Happy New Year Errybody,
Clarice
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Blog Like Hemingway
The next day there were many victories. The coffee from inside the pantry inside the kitchen inside the house was brewed and there were victories together with the coffee and they were the Xanax that was prescribed by the doctor and together they were consumed. The brew was bold and it was fine. Now the fighting in his head was calm and it was not turbulent. The people milled around and they were his family and they did not seem to notice him and it was what he wanted for today. There was a child of three and she was not an adult, and a child of six and she also was not an adult and they destroyed not everything but almost. And there was a wife and she was quiet and it was what he wanted for today. And beyond the house there was a street inside a town along a route that led not to anywhere but a bar. Later, inside the bar, he sat with friends and glasses and bottles of everything, and he knew the year was over for it was December and the end at that. And they drank quickly and not seriously and swung their glasses into the air and knowing not what for, they drank again for many times. The bottles of everything poured their contents and the contents were dark and lovely and after this he walked alone a bit and thought he must go on to leave at once.
"You must go on. Leave at once," he heard and the voice was his and it was inside his head.
"Stay," he heard, and again it was a voice but it was not his and he stayed instead for more.
They raised the glasses many more times and it was good. And finally when the bottles were not full and the money was no longer theirs, they walked together from the bar into the new dark night. The night had a feeling that of rain and he stood outside and shivered through his coat and had a small argument but it was only his and inside his head and then he was with them again. It was dark, and they could not see the trees and the trees had dropped their leaves and the leaves were blown away on the wind to another town where they were not.
"Good night," he heard and the voice was his and he spoke these words to them.
"Good night," he heard, and again it was a voice but it was not his. And he walked this way and they the other, and it was good.
And then it rained.
"You must go on. Leave at once," he heard and the voice was his and it was inside his head.
"Stay," he heard, and again it was a voice but it was not his and he stayed instead for more.
They raised the glasses many more times and it was good. And finally when the bottles were not full and the money was no longer theirs, they walked together from the bar into the new dark night. The night had a feeling that of rain and he stood outside and shivered through his coat and had a small argument but it was only his and inside his head and then he was with them again. It was dark, and they could not see the trees and the trees had dropped their leaves and the leaves were blown away on the wind to another town where they were not.
"Good night," he heard and the voice was his and he spoke these words to them.
"Good night," he heard, and again it was a voice but it was not his. And he walked this way and they the other, and it was good.
And then it rained.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Black Friday Non-Tweets
If you guys help me get my followers up to 250 my promise to you is I'll stop tweeting.
Funny thought. If you take the phrase A Good Man Is Hard To Find, and switch a few words around... you get: To Find a Man is Good Hard
Every time @W9ndy stars one of my tweets, I eat an Oreo. I've gained 12 pounds this month.
My kids need their own jar of peanutbutter. This is fucking gross.
I had kids for one reason: Because I had no idea what i was getting myself into.
This is a non-tweet #nontweets
A great drinking game is to throw your bottle through the tv screen any time an Atlanta housewife comes on.
I bet the guy who hosts the Housewives roundtables shaves his pussy.
"I was researching for a tweet" is not going to hold up in court. #3to5
Everybody who follows me thinks I tweet too much. Fine. I'd like to hear from some of the people who have unfollowed me, if you dont mind.
"Because you never know when the moment will strike?" Are you telling me that even at the age of 67 I wont know if I'm going to get laid?
No more trusting hookers with my bank card. #2011Resolutions
To my neighbor who blew all his leaves onto my yard today: Thank You. I feel much better about jerking off to your wife now.
Funny thought. If you take the phrase A Good Man Is Hard To Find, and switch a few words around... you get: To Find a Man is Good Hard
Every time @W9ndy stars one of my tweets, I eat an Oreo. I've gained 12 pounds this month.
My kids need their own jar of peanutbutter. This is fucking gross.
I had kids for one reason: Because I had no idea what i was getting myself into.
This is a non-tweet #nontweets
A great drinking game is to throw your bottle through the tv screen any time an Atlanta housewife comes on.
I bet the guy who hosts the Housewives roundtables shaves his pussy.
"I was researching for a tweet" is not going to hold up in court. #3to5
Everybody who follows me thinks I tweet too much. Fine. I'd like to hear from some of the people who have unfollowed me, if you dont mind.
"Because you never know when the moment will strike?" Are you telling me that even at the age of 67 I wont know if I'm going to get laid?
No more trusting hookers with my bank card. #2011Resolutions
To my neighbor who blew all his leaves onto my yard today: Thank You. I feel much better about jerking off to your wife now.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Things Kids Should Say... But Don't
A Few Things Kids Should Say... But Don’t
“Oh there he is. And he’s on his phone. Who could’ve guessed? Twitter—check. Facebook—check. Good quality parenting… not so much.”
“Why in God’s name are we not eating ice cream right now? Seriously, I’m trying to figure this out. Have you tasted this shit? Because if you had, you’d never ever stop eating it. You’re an idiot.”
“Oh by the way-- I talked to your mom. She said you were no fuckin’ angel, either.”
“Oh, what, are you gonna put me on the step? For three whole minutes? Come on tough guy, you can do better than… alright, I’m going. Christ. Fuck me.”
“Newsflash: I shit myself. And to tell you the truth, I don’t care if we ever clean it up.”
“You call this a glass of juice? What is this, Leavenworth? Give me a proper goddamn pour. And turn something edgy on the tv-- this crap is infantile. That Dora's a nice piece of ass, though. I will give you that.”
“You wanna make a deal? OK, let’s make a deal. You give me everything I want, and I’ll stop hitting our house guests.”
“Better spike it, Jack. I’m having one hell of a day.”
“Are you gonna floor it and pass this jackass or are we gonna suck meth addict trucker exhaust all day? Hello? Cancer, anyone?”
“Share THIS!”
“Oh there he is. And he’s on his phone. Who could’ve guessed? Twitter—check. Facebook—check. Good quality parenting… not so much.”
“Why in God’s name are we not eating ice cream right now? Seriously, I’m trying to figure this out. Have you tasted this shit? Because if you had, you’d never ever stop eating it. You’re an idiot.”
“Oh by the way-- I talked to your mom. She said you were no fuckin’ angel, either.”
“Oh, what, are you gonna put me on the step? For three whole minutes? Come on tough guy, you can do better than… alright, I’m going. Christ. Fuck me.”
“Newsflash: I shit myself. And to tell you the truth, I don’t care if we ever clean it up.”
“You call this a glass of juice? What is this, Leavenworth? Give me a proper goddamn pour. And turn something edgy on the tv-- this crap is infantile. That Dora's a nice piece of ass, though. I will give you that.”
“You wanna make a deal? OK, let’s make a deal. You give me everything I want, and I’ll stop hitting our house guests.”
“Better spike it, Jack. I’m having one hell of a day.”
“Are you gonna floor it and pass this jackass or are we gonna suck meth addict trucker exhaust all day? Hello? Cancer, anyone?”
“Share THIS!”
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My Negotiations With Kidnappers
Texting With Kidnappers...
Them: We have your daughter. We want 75k for her safe return.
Me: I don’t have that kind of money.
Them: If we don't get the money, we kill her in 2 days.
(Two days have passed)
Them: Do you have the money?
Me: No.
Them: Are you even looking for it?
ME: Not really.
Them: Why not? Don’t you want your daughter?
Me: Yes. But not just yet. We have a dinner to go to tonight. And we’d like to go see Inception tomorrow. Does Sunday work?
Them: No, Sunday does not work! We’re going to kill her! Also, she says she is allowed to eat ice cream every single night. Is this true?
Me: If she’s been good that day, yes, that’s fine.
Them: That seems excessive. Every night?
Me: Use your best judgment.
(Sunday night)
Them: Well?
Me: Great weekend. You?
Them: We want the money, asshole. Until then, we’re letting her stay up past midnight and eat all the chocolate she wants.
Me: That’s not smart. She starts school tomorrow.
Them: Shit. We didn’t know that.
Me: That’s ok. You’re new to this.
Them: We have something in the am. Can you take her? We can pick her up if so.
Me: That’s fine.
(3 days pass by)
Them: School is great. She loves her teacher. Also, she wants to know if you are feeding her fish.
Me: Great! Yes, the fish is being fed.
Them: Look, if you cant come up with the money we’re going to have to work something else out.
Me: You’re doing fine. It gets easier.
Them: What gets easier? We don’t want a kid, we want our money! We’re not keeping this kid!
(2 hours pass by)
Me: Do you have a lawn?
Them: Yes
Me: I’ll mow your lawn if you keep her.
Them: What? No! Also, does she ever stop talking? Come get her right fucking now or we kill her.
Me: It’s gonna cost you.
Them: What are you talking about?
Me: Money. I need money if I’m going to take her back.
Them: Now you want money from US? Are you out of your mind?
(One hour passes)
Them: OK. What are you thinking?
Me: Monthly deposits into a 529 plan for college.
Them: That’s ridiculous! How much per month?
Me: $500
Them: Fuck you! $325
Me: $415
Them: And you cut our lawn through end of the season?
Me: yes.
Them: Done.
Them: We have your daughter. We want 75k for her safe return.
Me: I don’t have that kind of money.
Them: If we don't get the money, we kill her in 2 days.
(Two days have passed)
Them: Do you have the money?
Me: No.
Them: Are you even looking for it?
ME: Not really.
Them: Why not? Don’t you want your daughter?
Me: Yes. But not just yet. We have a dinner to go to tonight. And we’d like to go see Inception tomorrow. Does Sunday work?
Them: No, Sunday does not work! We’re going to kill her! Also, she says she is allowed to eat ice cream every single night. Is this true?
Me: If she’s been good that day, yes, that’s fine.
Them: That seems excessive. Every night?
Me: Use your best judgment.
(Sunday night)
Them: Well?
Me: Great weekend. You?
Them: We want the money, asshole. Until then, we’re letting her stay up past midnight and eat all the chocolate she wants.
Me: That’s not smart. She starts school tomorrow.
Them: Shit. We didn’t know that.
Me: That’s ok. You’re new to this.
Them: We have something in the am. Can you take her? We can pick her up if so.
Me: That’s fine.
(3 days pass by)
Them: School is great. She loves her teacher. Also, she wants to know if you are feeding her fish.
Me: Great! Yes, the fish is being fed.
Them: Look, if you cant come up with the money we’re going to have to work something else out.
Me: You’re doing fine. It gets easier.
Them: What gets easier? We don’t want a kid, we want our money! We’re not keeping this kid!
(2 hours pass by)
Me: Do you have a lawn?
Them: Yes
Me: I’ll mow your lawn if you keep her.
Them: What? No! Also, does she ever stop talking? Come get her right fucking now or we kill her.
Me: It’s gonna cost you.
Them: What are you talking about?
Me: Money. I need money if I’m going to take her back.
Them: Now you want money from US? Are you out of your mind?
(One hour passes)
Them: OK. What are you thinking?
Me: Monthly deposits into a 529 plan for college.
Them: That’s ridiculous! How much per month?
Me: $500
Them: Fuck you! $325
Me: $415
Them: And you cut our lawn through end of the season?
Me: yes.
Them: Done.
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