Things Kids Should Say... But Don't

A Few Things Kids Should Say... But Don’t

“Oh there he is. And he’s on his phone. Who could’ve guessed? Twitter—check. Facebook—check. Good quality parenting… not so much.”

“Why in God’s name are we not eating ice cream right now? Seriously, I’m trying to figure this out. Have you tasted this shit? Because if you had, you’d never ever stop eating it. You’re an idiot.”

“Oh by the way-- I talked to your mom. She said you were no fuckin’ angel, either.”

“Oh, what, are you gonna put me on the step? For three whole minutes? Come on tough guy, you can do better than… alright, I’m going. Christ. Fuck me.”

“Newsflash: I shit myself. And to tell you the truth, I don’t care if we ever clean it up.”

“You call this a glass of juice? What is this, Leavenworth? Give me a proper goddamn pour. And turn something edgy on the tv-- this crap is infantile. That Dora's a nice piece of ass, though. I will give you that.”

“You wanna make a deal? OK, let’s make a deal. You give me everything I want, and I’ll stop hitting our house guests.”

“Better spike it, Jack. I’m having one hell of a day.”

“Are you gonna floor it and pass this jackass or are we gonna suck meth addict trucker exhaust all day? Hello? Cancer, anyone?”

“Share THIS!”