Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Things Kids Should Say... But Don't
A Few Things Kids Should Say... But Don’t
“Oh there he is. And he’s on his phone. Who could’ve guessed? Twitter—check. Facebook—check. Good quality parenting… not so much.”
“Why in God’s name are we not eating ice cream right now? Seriously, I’m trying to figure this out. Have you tasted this shit? Because if you had, you’d never ever stop eating it. You’re an idiot.”
“Oh by the way-- I talked to your mom. She said you were no fuckin’ angel, either.”
“Oh, what, are you gonna put me on the step? For three whole minutes? Come on tough guy, you can do better than… alright, I’m going. Christ. Fuck me.”
“Newsflash: I shit myself. And to tell you the truth, I don’t care if we ever clean it up.”
“You call this a glass of juice? What is this, Leavenworth? Give me a proper goddamn pour. And turn something edgy on the tv-- this crap is infantile. That Dora's a nice piece of ass, though. I will give you that.”
“You wanna make a deal? OK, let’s make a deal. You give me everything I want, and I’ll stop hitting our house guests.”
“Better spike it, Jack. I’m having one hell of a day.”
“Are you gonna floor it and pass this jackass or are we gonna suck meth addict trucker exhaust all day? Hello? Cancer, anyone?”
“Share THIS!”
“Oh there he is. And he’s on his phone. Who could’ve guessed? Twitter—check. Facebook—check. Good quality parenting… not so much.”
“Why in God’s name are we not eating ice cream right now? Seriously, I’m trying to figure this out. Have you tasted this shit? Because if you had, you’d never ever stop eating it. You’re an idiot.”
“Oh by the way-- I talked to your mom. She said you were no fuckin’ angel, either.”
“Oh, what, are you gonna put me on the step? For three whole minutes? Come on tough guy, you can do better than… alright, I’m going. Christ. Fuck me.”
“Newsflash: I shit myself. And to tell you the truth, I don’t care if we ever clean it up.”
“You call this a glass of juice? What is this, Leavenworth? Give me a proper goddamn pour. And turn something edgy on the tv-- this crap is infantile. That Dora's a nice piece of ass, though. I will give you that.”
“You wanna make a deal? OK, let’s make a deal. You give me everything I want, and I’ll stop hitting our house guests.”
“Better spike it, Jack. I’m having one hell of a day.”
“Are you gonna floor it and pass this jackass or are we gonna suck meth addict trucker exhaust all day? Hello? Cancer, anyone?”
“Share THIS!”
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
My Negotiations With Kidnappers
Texting With Kidnappers...
Them: We have your daughter. We want 75k for her safe return.
Me: I don’t have that kind of money.
Them: If we don't get the money, we kill her in 2 days.
(Two days have passed)
Them: Do you have the money?
Me: No.
Them: Are you even looking for it?
ME: Not really.
Them: Why not? Don’t you want your daughter?
Me: Yes. But not just yet. We have a dinner to go to tonight. And we’d like to go see Inception tomorrow. Does Sunday work?
Them: No, Sunday does not work! We’re going to kill her! Also, she says she is allowed to eat ice cream every single night. Is this true?
Me: If she’s been good that day, yes, that’s fine.
Them: That seems excessive. Every night?
Me: Use your best judgment.
(Sunday night)
Them: Well?
Me: Great weekend. You?
Them: We want the money, asshole. Until then, we’re letting her stay up past midnight and eat all the chocolate she wants.
Me: That’s not smart. She starts school tomorrow.
Them: Shit. We didn’t know that.
Me: That’s ok. You’re new to this.
Them: We have something in the am. Can you take her? We can pick her up if so.
Me: That’s fine.
(3 days pass by)
Them: School is great. She loves her teacher. Also, she wants to know if you are feeding her fish.
Me: Great! Yes, the fish is being fed.
Them: Look, if you cant come up with the money we’re going to have to work something else out.
Me: You’re doing fine. It gets easier.
Them: What gets easier? We don’t want a kid, we want our money! We’re not keeping this kid!
(2 hours pass by)
Me: Do you have a lawn?
Them: Yes
Me: I’ll mow your lawn if you keep her.
Them: What? No! Also, does she ever stop talking? Come get her right fucking now or we kill her.
Me: It’s gonna cost you.
Them: What are you talking about?
Me: Money. I need money if I’m going to take her back.
Them: Now you want money from US? Are you out of your mind?
(One hour passes)
Them: OK. What are you thinking?
Me: Monthly deposits into a 529 plan for college.
Them: That’s ridiculous! How much per month?
Me: $500
Them: Fuck you! $325
Me: $415
Them: And you cut our lawn through end of the season?
Me: yes.
Them: Done.
Them: We have your daughter. We want 75k for her safe return.
Me: I don’t have that kind of money.
Them: If we don't get the money, we kill her in 2 days.
(Two days have passed)
Them: Do you have the money?
Me: No.
Them: Are you even looking for it?
ME: Not really.
Them: Why not? Don’t you want your daughter?
Me: Yes. But not just yet. We have a dinner to go to tonight. And we’d like to go see Inception tomorrow. Does Sunday work?
Them: No, Sunday does not work! We’re going to kill her! Also, she says she is allowed to eat ice cream every single night. Is this true?
Me: If she’s been good that day, yes, that’s fine.
Them: That seems excessive. Every night?
Me: Use your best judgment.
(Sunday night)
Them: Well?
Me: Great weekend. You?
Them: We want the money, asshole. Until then, we’re letting her stay up past midnight and eat all the chocolate she wants.
Me: That’s not smart. She starts school tomorrow.
Them: Shit. We didn’t know that.
Me: That’s ok. You’re new to this.
Them: We have something in the am. Can you take her? We can pick her up if so.
Me: That’s fine.
(3 days pass by)
Them: School is great. She loves her teacher. Also, she wants to know if you are feeding her fish.
Me: Great! Yes, the fish is being fed.
Them: Look, if you cant come up with the money we’re going to have to work something else out.
Me: You’re doing fine. It gets easier.
Them: What gets easier? We don’t want a kid, we want our money! We’re not keeping this kid!
(2 hours pass by)
Me: Do you have a lawn?
Them: Yes
Me: I’ll mow your lawn if you keep her.
Them: What? No! Also, does she ever stop talking? Come get her right fucking now or we kill her.
Me: It’s gonna cost you.
Them: What are you talking about?
Me: Money. I need money if I’m going to take her back.
Them: Now you want money from US? Are you out of your mind?
(One hour passes)
Them: OK. What are you thinking?
Me: Monthly deposits into a 529 plan for college.
Them: That’s ridiculous! How much per month?
Me: $500
Them: Fuck you! $325
Me: $415
Them: And you cut our lawn through end of the season?
Me: yes.
Them: Done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
