Black Friday Non-Tweets

If you guys help me get my followers up to 250 my promise to you is I'll stop tweeting.

Funny thought. If you take the phrase A Good Man Is Hard To Find, and switch a few words around... you get: To Find a Man is Good Hard

Every time @W9ndy stars one of my tweets, I eat an Oreo. I've gained 12 pounds this month.

My kids need their own jar of peanutbutter. This is fucking gross.

I had kids for one reason: Because I had no idea what i was getting myself into.

This is a non-tweet #nontweets

A great drinking game is to throw your bottle through the tv screen any time an Atlanta housewife comes on.

I bet the guy who hosts the Housewives roundtables shaves his pussy.

"I was researching for a tweet" is not going to hold up in court. #3to5

Everybody who follows me thinks I tweet too much. Fine. I'd like to hear from some of the people who have unfollowed me, if you dont mind.

"Because you never know when the moment will strike?" Are you telling me that even at the age of 67 I wont know if I'm going to get laid?

No more trusting hookers with my bank card. #2011Resolutions

To my neighbor who blew all his leaves onto my yard today: Thank You. I feel much better about jerking off to your wife now.