We’re all depressed. Those who think they are not depressed are in denial. In the psychology world, that’s what they call a double-whammy. Not good. So if you know and admit that you are depressed, look on the bright side: at least you're aware that you're fucked up. More on the bright side some other time.
Ever want that cup of coffee in the morning to never ever ever end? Yup, that’s just your depression talking. Or that piece of chocolate with the creamy center? Are you infinitely sad when you tongue the last tooth and finally give up hope on finding another morsel of caramel clinging on? If the caramel can’t cling on any longer, you’re probably on your way out as well. Again, that’s just your depression talking. Coming in loud and clear. Ever say something to someone and then try to qualify it by saying “That’s just my depression talking?” I strongly advise against that.
Enough about the problem though, you say, what’s the solution? Well my friend if I knew that I would bottle it and sell it. I’d call it Sierra Negoda Davita Pale Ale. I jest. Actually I do know the answer. And that’s why we’re here. I’m interested in sharing the answer with you, I truly am. This answer will change everything for you—and not in the disappointing way the last thing you purchased that was supposed to change everything did. Or didn’t. Yes, this will work. And it’s simple, as all good solutions are. Here’s the thing though—I can’t just give it away. I mean I could, but that wouldn’t be intelligent or capitalistic enough on my part. I’ve got a family to look after. So I spent some time trying to come up with something I thought was fair. In order to do that, I asked myself “What would you pay for the answer to all your troubles?” It’s an easy question. I mean, if someone were to really give me the answer to all my troubles, then it wouldn’t matter what I paid because not having any money leftover wouldn’t be a problem, in theory. Nevermind all that though-- I’m not here to lay a heavy psychological sales-y trip on you. I hate that crap! Let’s just be practical.
I want to buy a boat. That’s a practical place to start. And if I’m going to buy a boat I figure let’s make it a grand boat. Something that can handle the rough seas, but also which I can look good on cruising the waterways while burning about eight dollars in gas every thirty seconds. Let’s say this boat costs $50,000. Plus the monthly gas and maintenance of $3,400. Dry docking in the winter, etc, etc—boat owners are with me here. The list is endless. The good news is that while this boat is expensive, there are a lot of you out there. The way I figure it is if each of you likely to respond to this gives me $1.67 free and clear, I can accomplish my goals. I hope that sounds fair. After all, let’s focus on what you’re getting here, and not get lost in my greed. For a mere $1.67 you’re getting the answer to all your troubles. Be honest, what number popped into your head back there in paragraph two about how much that answer would be worth? I bet it was more than $1.67. I’m just guessing.
Now, I’d love to just give you the answer right here and now, because I want you to start experiencing the glory of depression-free living RIGHT NOW. But I can’t. The world doesn’t work that way. It’s not your fault or mine, but it’s just reality. And we have to be realistic if we’re going to succeed. By the way that’s just a little HINT toward the solution I’m going to offer you. So if you liked that line about reality, if that made sense to you, then you should definitely send in the $1.67 free and clear, ASAP. There’s more where that came from, is all I’m saying.
I could go on and on but you either want the solution to all your troubles or you don’t, right? You’re that kind of person, aren’t you? The kind that goes out and makes things happen? The kind that sees the prize and does whatever necessary to get their hands on it? Aren’t you? I thought so. Your neighbor said you were, and after writing this letter, I can tell he/she was right!
Please send $1.67 free and clear to: Chris 'Laytes' Layton, 610 Westbury Rd, Charlotte, NC 28211 and I’ll reply back to you by email (include your email) with the answer to all your troubles.
*This is not a hoax. Look is up on Snopes.com-- you will NOT find it there.
With Love,
Laytes
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